Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
