The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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