Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
