Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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