hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
