So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
