Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
