If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
