I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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