Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
