Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
