I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
