i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
BRING THE BAGELS
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
