i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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