Non-Jews are for practice
from now on my penis is your penis
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
