Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
