Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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