So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Edward fifth and chaser hands
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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