quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
