If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i drank out of a bidet.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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