Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
