You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
