the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
