So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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