I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
