How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
