I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
