I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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