I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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