It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
