i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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