Pappa wants mamma naked
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
