My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
