I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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