census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
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the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?