Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
