Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
