The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
