Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
