Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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