Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
