he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
