yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
