So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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