ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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