quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
