Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
