God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
