the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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