Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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