this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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