You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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