he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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