My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
