Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
