I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
