just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
