Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
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pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
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If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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