Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
